


your eyes look like coming home

by heartunsettledsoul



Series: Forgotten Moments [25]
Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: As such, Canon Compliant, F/M, here is a teenage girl sap-fest, in that the only diaries we should think about are the ones where betty writes about jughead, though mildly inspired by the episodes that shall not be named
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-08
Updated: 2020-05-08
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:34:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24065908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartunsettledsoul/pseuds/heartunsettledsoul
Summary: I’m so glad I have Jug on my side for this. I can’t imagine trying to do it without him; not just for the literal help, but for having him behimand so supportive and kind. It means everything.or, some season one era diary entries.
Relationships: Betty Cooper/Jughead Jones
Series: Forgotten Moments [25]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/840687
Comments: 54
Kudos: 101
Collections: 7th Bughead Fanfiction Awards - Nominees





	your eyes look like coming home

**Author's Note:**

> listen. I was going to be a little more subtle with a title, but this is a high school girl's diary so... tswift lyrics it is. 
> 
> as such: this is very much an experimental piece because, well, writing first person diary entries as a character who we've since seen multiple seasons of growth from is difficult. I hope I haven't wildly missed the mark.

The pages of her diary are rumpled, strong pen strokes and a repeatedly cracked spine having bent the originally pristine journal out of shape. In the past, Betty used to keep all her diaries orderly and written with precise penmanship, just like her school notebooks and her to-do lists and the entirety of the Cooper household. 

But in the recent months—really, just the last few weeks alone—too much has happened for Betty to worry about keeping things _perfect_. Her handwriting has evolved from painstakingly neat to a messy, looping scrawl as though her chaotic thoughts have literally permeated the pages; careful reflections and logs of her days are near-impossible, turning into quick scribbles of feelings she can’t make sense of, emotions that have become too big, too strong, too _everything_ to keep inside any longer. 

The Betty Cooper who started this diary is a decidedly different Betty from the one who is flipping onto the final page, hand cramping from writing for so long. It feels like she has written and thought herself into circles, but it is satisfying to empty her brain of these frantic thoughts and see the chaos reflected on the page for exactly what it is. Jughead talks a lot about authenticity in writing—both for the paper and in his novel that she still hasn’t read—and she hadn’t quite understood the difference between authentic and authoritative. 

But as she riffles through the pages, enjoying the quiet whisper of paper rustling against itself, Betty begins to see his point. This Betty with her scrunched handwriting to finish the thought without running out of space is herself, authentically. 

* * *

_It doesn’t hurt as much as I thought it would, moving on from Archie. Maybe it’s that there is so much else going on that my heartbreak is just… falling by the wayside, or something. I came home from California determined to be this beautiful, confident, “new” Betty but maybe this is just a different version of “new” than I imagined._

_On to bigger and better things, right, diary? Even if those bigger things aren’t exactly better either. Still no Polly, still no clue what’s happened to Jason. Not still alone in this at least! By some miracle, it didn’t take too much convincing to get Jughead to help me resurrect the school paper. It’s so nice talking to him again, I wish we hadn’t fallen out of touch. Maybe I should have texted him more over the summer, I don’t know._

* * *

_I used to think that working together on the Register was part of why Mom and Dad have such a crappy relationship. It seems like too much time together, to live together and work together and try to maintain a family together. Or it’s too much time together, cumulatively. They have effectively disillusioned me to the idea of high school sweethearts. Thank_ _god_ _I realized that and got over Archie at the same time. Or maybe the two revelations came hand-in-hand._

_(Oh good, speaking of: they’re yelling at each other now and they’re doing that dumb whisper-yelling that somehow is even easier to hear than regular arguing.)_

  
  


_But I don’t know… at this rate, I think I see Juggie more than anybody else between class and investigating and now the Blue & Gold and we haven’t gotten sick of each other yet. I thought for sure he would tap out early because, let’s be real, Juggie is a misanthrope. _

_If anything, all this time together makes us great partners._

_Okay I maybe take that back. He just texted me annoyed that I was ‘unfairly vicious’ with my red pen on his feature for this week._

* * *

_I’m exhausted. I almost fell asleep doing layout tonight and Jug went out to Pop’s to get me coffee, even when I told him not to bother. I think he could tell I wanted to do this one fully on my own, which I appreciated. He didn’t push on how I figured it all out, or on why I’m so tired, or even ask a second time about him taking over the editing process after he offered. He just stayed in the office with me, I think working on his novel (he still won’t let me read whatever he’s typing away at on his computer), bought me that coffee, and even walked me home._

_Between Archie and Chuck and all of this toxic masculinity_ _bullshit_ _it was ...so sweet to be with Jughead and have him be his usual considerate self._ _He_ _is sweet, I guess I’m trying to say._

_I don’t know how I never noticed that before._

* * *

_I can’t believe the Twilight is closing down. Poor Jug, he’s so upset about it. I wish I knew how to make him feel better about it. As sad as it is, I am kind of excited for the final show, especially if Juggie actually takes my suggestion and he plays Rebel Without a Cause._

_Maybe he’ll let me and Arch (and V and Kevin??) up into the projection room like he used to for one last time._

_Well, we barely see Archie anymore at this rate, but maybe Jug will let me join anyway. He’s seeming a little less misanthropic lately, it’s been really nice to see more of him._

* * *

_Here’s hoping this new hiding spot works out. Mom, if you’re reading this, I hope you know that I meant every goddamn word I said. I really did._

* * *

_Jughead looks good in a suit. Is it bad that I was so distracted by that? We were supposed to be on an intelligence gathering mission and all I could focus on was how handsome he looked._

_And… I don’t know, I feel like Jug was a little mad at me for meeting with Trev by myself? Or maybe it was that I called it a date? I don’t really think it_ _was_ _a date, necessarily. Trev is cute, sure, and I don’t think I would mind going on an actual date with him but that isn’t what I was angling for. I’m not sure if Trev thought it was a real date either? Boys are confusing._

_If Jug_ _was_ _upset with me, he seemed to have gotten over it by the time we made it to Jason’s memorial. Or he was in investigative mode. We both were distracted enough to be blindsided by Nana Rose, but I was preoccupied thinking more about Jug’s tie and whether he was mad at me._

_(The_ _tie_ _! It was a little crooked and I’m not sure if I wanted to straighten it for him or loosen it further… He’s not big on touches though, so I left it. But he definitely grabbed my arm when Nana Rose caught us! So… maybe not averse to_ _all _ _touch?)_

_I cannot believe Polly was going to marry Jason. It’s hard to imagine being that in love while we’re this young. I know she’s older than me, but I doubt the leap from sophomore to junior year makes you magically ready for lifelong commitment. If it’s the right person, then I guess it makes sense. But how can you tell when it’s right? What makes you so completely, utterly sure that you can trust someone with your heart, let alone trust them with it for the rest of your lives? I wish I could ask Polly about it._

* * *

_The look on Mom’s face when I told her Jughead was coming for breakfast before school was worth all the stress of the ‘covert operation.’ (Jug called it covert, not me.)_

_It was kind of fun, though (before the dire revelation of where Polly is, of course). We’re getting pretty good at silent communication. I’m so glad I have Jug on my side for this. I can’t imagine trying to do it without him; not just for the literal help, but for having him be_ _him_ _and_ _so supportive and kind. It means everything._

* * *

_Well, I don’t think my new hiding spot was compromised, but I can’t take any chances after today, now that Mom will be breathing down my neck again. She was furious that Jughead and I cut school to track down Polly, and I’m furious that Mom would_ _do _ _that to Polly._

_But also. Jughead._

_He kissed me today. Like a real, proper, romantic climax kiss. Jughead climbed into my window, quoted Shakespeare (well, made a Shakespeare joke, anyway), and_ _kissed me! _ _Who would have thought Jughead Jones of all people would be so smooth? Well, maybe not classically smooth. But smooth in his own right. It was a really good kiss, and my whole mind just ...blanked. Like every single buzzing thought, frantic brain cell, screaming bit of chaos, all of that white noise? It went away. I’ve never felt so completely in the moment in my whole life._

_I almost wish I hadn’t had that lightbulb moment about the car that Polly & Jason needed. Partially because now there’s this awful new rabbit hole and trail of clues, but partially because I really wanted Jughead to keep kissing me. Maybe I should feel more guilty about that; it’s selfish to want something for myself when Polly is in so much trouble and there’s a _ _murder _ _going on but ....I don’t know. Jughead makes me feel like I deserve nice things, I don’t know that I’ve ever felt like this before. Even before the kiss, he held my hand on the whole bus ride to Sisters of Quiet Mercy, and in the car ride back with Mom. He’s so good to me._

* * *

_Veronica called Jughead a Holden Caulfield and I’m not sure if he would take that as an insult or a compliment. It was funny how we outed ourselves (outed_ _what_ _exactly, I’m not sure. We haven’t exactly labelled things and it’s Jughead so he hates labels on principle) because all those little touches feel so normal by now. Then again, we have spent so much time together just the two of us, that we forgot that Jughead putting his arm around me is practically five-alarm gossip._

_I do love when he puts his arm around me. He’s found this little spot at my neck/shoulder that always has a terrible knot so he’s taken to rubbing at it for me. Sometime he'll try to really work it out, other times it's this light little touch like he wants me to know that he knows it's still there. I doubt that knot is ever going away—it is 100% an Alice Cooper induced knot—but I love that he tries anyway. _

_We haven’t really_ _done_ _anything yet. Even if we had the time to be alone without focusing on this insane mystery, I’m not sure we would. I can tell neither of us are ready for much. But I don’t know… Every time he touches me now, or holds my hand, or kisses me, I feel like I’m burning up in the best way._

_Juggie just sets me alight._

* * *

_Okay, now Jug is starting to kiss that spot on my shoulder. Only when we’re alone and it’s as soft as if he’s kissing my cheek, but. Wow._

_The first time he did that I thought my stomach was going to drop through the floor._

* * *

_I’m not sure I have the words for today, diary._

_I can’t_ _believe_ _Sheriff Keller pulled Jughead out of school to question him. Jug was so strong today and also so mad, which is more than understandable. He unraveled when we got back home, though. I could tell on the walk back he was trying not to let me see how upset he was._

_Mom and Dad were out—ugh, probably interviewing Sheriff Keller for the paper—so I just brought him up to my room and went a little mother-hen-like, like I always did when Polly was sad, and I thought he was going to snap at me but he just… he just heaved this huge sigh and cried._

_My heart is breaking for him._

_I went downstairs to make us tea and he must have fallen asleep. He’s still asleep next to me as I’m writing._

_I wish I knew how to make him truly believe that we all are here for him._

  
  


* * *

_Polly’s baby shower was such a mess. I’m glad Jug was there, even if the whole thing kind of blew up. I think we should go talk to his dad, but I don’t want to push him._

_Well. Figuratively push him. I may have_ _literally _ _pushed him a little bit earlier (by accident!) because he looked really handsome in his sweater when he came over and I kissed him hard enough that he backed into the kitchen counter._

_I definitely surprised both of us with that one, but he didn’t seem to mind. He kissed me pretty hard right back._

  
  


* * *

_I can’t believe I didn’t remember Jughead has an October birthday. I can’t believe_ _Archie_ _remembered, to be honest. But I guess they have their Bijou tradition, so maybe Jug reminded him?_

_It’s tomorrow, so how on earth am I supposed to get him a great present in time? No matter what I can pull off by tomorrow, it won’t be right. Me going to the movies is just… substitute Archie. There’s no time to get a ‘girlfriend’ gift; there’s not even time to get a good enough friend gift._

_I want him to feel special. I don’t know how to_ _do _ _that, but I know that anything that is only_ _me_ _won’t be enough._

_I guess I can get a few of us together for dinner after the Bijou? Jug’s been getting along with everyone in our lunch group pretty well so that could work. Archie said he dad is out of town, which is awful because I know Jug loves Mr. Andrews and he should be able to have someone dad-like around. I suppose I could try calling Mr. Jones?_

_Ugh I want to ask Archie for more help, but he can’t keep a secret to save his life. I don’t want to totally surprise Jug, but I know he’ll insist on not making a big deal if he knows I know. But you only turn 16 once! He should be able to have a fun day surrounded by people who care about him._

  
  
  
  
  


_OMG Veronica had Smithers drive us to Centreville so I could order a really nice cake for Jug (I won’t be able to do it myself if we’re going to the movies) and the boutique next door had the most amazing sweater!! It’s plain gray and honestly tighter-fit than I normally wear, but it has a cute little embroidered gold crown on the front that looks exactly like the crown doodle Juggie always did in grade school!_

_If I couldn’t find the right gift_ _for _ _him, maybe he’ll like this?_

_Oh, god, wait what if that’s …too much? Like I’m trying to make his day about me? Or that I'm trying to seduce him? (Do I want to seduce him? (I think I do, but...)) _

  
  
  
  


_Okay Veronica says I’m overreacting._

_I don’t know, maybe I am. I’ve been on edge since Chuck came back from his suspension, that’s for sure._

_Jug has been so miserable lately (less miserable around me, which is nice) so I want him to have a great birthday. I want to get it right for him._

* * *

_Well. That could have gone better. I don't think it could have gone any worse, either. _

_Jug’s birthday was officially an unmitigated disaster. I really thought I lost him after our huge fight. I realized he was annoyed, but I didn’t know how badly I had screwed up until then. We’re okay now but he was so mean I was too shocked to fight back. I am still shocked, but mostly at how he worries that I’ll leave him for Archie. Well,_ _worrieD_ _. I think my practically-hysterical crying insistence that I would never do that kind of drove the point home. But I didn’t get to do that until way after the party._

_Of all places, I wound up at the playground. I wanted to go up Archie’s tree house but that wasn’t far enough, so I settled for the swings as my childhood nostalgia spot._

_I’m not sure why I went by nostalgia but ...I think maybe I wanted to remember a time when I wasn’t trying to be the perfect cheerleader next door. When people didn't always assume I was that perfect girl, or think that I should be. (Was I ever really_ _trying_ _to be that or was it forced on me? I mean I know I chose the cheerleader part for myself but only that was for __me_ _. Everything else was expected of me.)_

_I think it goes to show how well Juggie knows me that he even came looking for me there. I honestly thought he would see that I’d left and would, I don’t know, cut his losses and not bother. Once he sat down on the swing next to me, that’s when the hysterical crying started. I mean, he was there and looking so miserable and sporting a black eye and bloody lip because of _ _me_ _and why would I be worth all that trouble in general, let alone to someone who thought I had one foot out the door. He tried to hold my hand then but I was bleeding and didn’t want to freak him out. The look on his face when I pulled away, though. I felt like dying._

_Then, right as rain (well… almost), he hopped off the swing, tugged me by the elbow and said we were going to Pop’s because he wanted a shake._

_He gave me his beanie to hold once we got there and did his best to explain. Then I felt like dying all over, in a totally different way._

_And I showed him my hands. I was fully prepared to see that twisted anger from our fight but the way he held me and kissed my scars? I never knew what it was like to really be loved until that moment. No one has ever let me be completely myself like Juggie has. I’ve never_ _felt_ _completely myself until being with him._

_He sees all these twisty, dark, broken parts of me and doesn’t shy away from it or try to fix it like anybody else would. He’s showing me that maybe those broken parts aren’t so bad. Maybe they’re not so broken after all._

* * *

_It feels wild to be planning for a dance in the middle of all of_ _this_ _. Not necessarily any better or worse than the back to school dance when Jason was only missing but… everything feels a lot more sinister now. Even if it is ostensibly in Jason’s honor. Or so Cheryl says (she also says Polly agrees and will be there and I don’t totally believe her, but I miss Polly so much and I really hope she does)._

_Despite the sinister air, I think I’m excited for the dance? I’m excited to go with Juggie, at least. I thought we might end up tiptoeing around each other after his birthday but we’re even better than ever._

_And not that it’s necessarily mutually inclusive (or exclusive), but we’ve managed a decent amount of alone time since then too. I’m still blushing thinking about Mr. Andrews walking in on us in their kitchen yesterday when Juggie had both his hands in my back pockets (for both reasons,_ _god_ _, so embarrassing but also hands! in! back! pockets!!!)._

_Everything feels so much better when I’m with Jug._

Betty drops the pen for a moment, assessing the space left on this last page and flexing her hand to shake out the cramp. A quick examination shows that she has chipped her manicure against the pen; it was Veronica’s treat, a brief ‘spa day’ to let them relax before Homecoming, and Betty had gone with an uncharacteristically dark color, the chip regretfully obvious. She wonders if there might be a similar purple in her own polish collection, or if Veronica may have one herself. For a moment, she considers removing the whole thing and starting fresh with her classic pale pink. It is already late in the afternoon, though, and it likely won’t be dry enough by the time she needs to get dressed. 

Besides, the purple goes well with her dress. The periwinkle isn’t completely out of her comfort zone, but not something she would have usually gravitated toward. It caught her eye first, a passing comment from Jughead about one of her blue sweaters bringing out her eyes—a compliment that had them both blushing furiously—stuck in her mind. 

Even thinking back to it now makes her cheeks warm; everything having to do with Jughead lately seems to ratchet her body temperature up, especially since the duration of their kissing sessions extended. Now that she thinks on it, the day he mentioned the blue sweater was the same as the day that his hand had first inched tentatively under the hem of that sweater. 

The memory alone has her mind wandering, hoping that if her mom doesn’t completely kill the evening before it even starts, she and Jughead might get enough time together after the dance to explore each other more. 

She presses the back of her hand to her hot cheek, attempting to cool down. The movement cracks her wrist, fully relieving her of the writing cramp. Betty retrieves her pen, pausing briefly to run a finger lightly across her healing scars; it’s days past when Jughead cradled her hands and wiped away her fears with his sincerity but she can still feel the ghost of his touch there. 

In the tiny bit of white space left on this final page, Betty writes out one more thought: 

_Diary, I love him._

_._

_._

_._

**Author's Note:**

> it would mean the world if you could leave a comment <3


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